


Sunlight

by go_nuclear



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Season 3 Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29616699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/go_nuclear/pseuds/go_nuclear
Summary: For so long you lived and fought by Erwin's side without ever knowing that the two of you shared a bond far deeper than that of simple comrades in battle. But as you began to explore what a life with him might look like, the harsh world the two of you lived in began to worsen your fear that you'd never get to see it at all.
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Reader
Kudos: 24





	Sunlight

**Author's Note:**

> suggested listening: sunlight by hozier

For years you’d fought by the side of Erwin, never thinking much of the close relationship you’d developed. In time he’d begun to think of you as a close confidant, one of the few real friends he allowed himself in a world that so often took from him. To you he was your commander, but more than that he had become someone you relied on unconditionally, who never made you feel weak for sharing in your vulnerabilities.

In the midst of every battle he kept his eyes on you, always there to welcome your bloody body and take it home. He tended to your wounds—and you his—his hands always far softer than you’d ever imagined they could be.

But still you thought nothing of it, believing it was only a shared sense of duty that bound you to each other. You wanted to say that it was too late when you realized that the thing you had shared was love, but you knew you’d be lying to yourself if you ever told another soul that you hadn’t known it from the moment that your eyes met before his supposed execution, tears streaming down your cheeks as you held his hand in yours and promised that you’d be there to take him home again.

You knew little of the coup he’d been planning, only that he knew how to save the Scouts. When you returned that day to the room you’d shared with him you felt nothing but an overwhelming emptiness, eyes never staying in one place long enough to bring back memories.

Just as you began to feel tears slipping down your cheeks the door slammed open, your hand immediately going to the hilt of the dagger at your hip. You slowly turned, ready to attack, but quickly settled as soon as you met Hange’s frantic gaze.

“We’re free,” She declared breathlessly, a smile spreading across her face. “He did it. The Scouts are free.”

Tears fell far faster as the realization hit you. You’d no longer have to spend your days in hiding, running through the streets like a frightened animal, begging for your safety every time you dared step outside. But no matter how joyous the news was, you knew you wouldn’t be spending it with Erwin. You could only guess he’d sacrificed his life for your freedom, expanding the emptiness tenfold.

“Erwin...did they execute him?” You asked softly, your voice barely above a whisper as your arms wrapped around your midsection.

“Executed?” Hange shook her head and smiled. “He’s the only reason I’m here.”

You fell to your knees before you could gather your constitution. A hand flew to your mouth, sobs slipping between your fingers. You felt Hange’s arms awkwardly wrap around your shoulders, comforting you as you took in the news. He was... _alive_. In a few short hours, or so Hange said, he would walk through that door. You would wake up against him again, smiling at the warm morning sun as it shone through his clear blue eyes. 

You knew it wouldn’t be soon after that you would go back to fighting the titans, but for the few days of comfort you were allowed, the sweet moments without worry of titans or kidnappings or politics, you would enjoy your hand in his. 

*

“Are you sure I’m not hurting you?” You applied another bandage to Erwin’s battered face, sharply exhaling every time your fingers brushed against a cut or a bruise. 

He gave you an easy smile in return, placing his hand on your free one. “No, no. You’re doing wonderfully, (Name).” 

Your body relaxed as you applied the last bandage, softly kissing his forehead as he wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you onto his lap as you let out a girlish giggle. It was the moments like these, where you acted so wonderfully _normal_ , that you held close to your heart in the moments that you faced certain death. You guessed, in a way, that they were the times of your life that you remembered most often; the ones you looked back on with the most fondness. 

“Do you think they’ll be able to get Eren back?” You asked, leaning your head against Erwin’s shoulder as the two of you stared out the window at the streets below. 

“We can only hope.” He turned to look at you, sweeping a stray hair from your face, his arm returning to your waist before you could lose balance. “But there’s no use in worrying now. Tonight is for us.” 

You beamed at his words, running your fingers through his hair as you watched the way he smiled at you. The tiny ways his face softened, body settling into your warmth as you bathed in the glow of the late-afternoon sun. 

You remembered, when it had only been a few months into your new position under Erwin’s command, the first time you’d ever been the one to patch up his wounds. You were far from the healing type, knowing only basic first aid from your mother, but you were the only one the other Scouts trusted to take care of the commander while he was in such a fragile state. 

Soon, when you became better at bandaging his wounds, you came to realize that it was far more than a matter of diverted responsibility—Erwin had asked for you specifically. 

And It was now that you saw, reflected in the eyes you so often found yourself checking for in the heat of battle, looking for the unspoken signs they gave you, the love that Erwin had felt for you since the first day you’d met. You saw too, somewhere in those eyes, your own love. The love that had brought you to your knees when you knew you could spend another day by Erwin’s side. 

So it was there, with your arms holding onto him tight, that you pressed your lips into his, knowing you’d dreamed of it for moments long before you’d realized, and you would dream of it in every battle-torn moment to come, savoring every sunbathed kiss in between. 

*

You were never one who shied away from the fear you felt facing down a titan. More than adrenaline it was the fear of death that fueled you to race headlong into fights, bearing your blades as you raced between buildings like a bird. It was fear, now as you flew into such a fight, that kept you moving as you battled the most heinous beast you’d ever seen. 

You gave less thought to the fact that you were slicing chunks of titan flesh alongside your queen than you did to the dinner Erwin had promised you if your mission was successful. You loved the deals you made with him, exchanging victories for the domesticity you both craved. You wondered if any of the other Scouts thought it strange, hearing you tell the commander he owed you dinner before you threw yourself into what looked like an impossible battle, but in truth you paid it little mind. 

In a flash, as you heard the roaring cheers of the crowds below, you felt an unfamiliar rush of hope for the future you could spend alongside Erwin. Crowning the rightful queen was hardly more than a half step in the right direction, but hearing the faith you’d restored in the people made you wonder if it really was possible to make it through to the other side. 

As you rode home you dreamed in the faraway way girls did about the life that could be; the quaint home just outside the city, nestled between the woods and a clearing big enough to watch the stars from any night you chose. Maybe later in life you’d have children, but the love you shared was more than enough to satisfy you well into old age. 

You doubted, even if you _could_ stop fighting, that you’d ever stop waking up in the middle of the night, drenched in a cold sweat, ghosts lingering in your mind as you prayed you wouldn’t have to close your eyes and see them again. You hated to admit it but you doubted there would ever come a night free of terrors, not after the life you’d lived. So long as you had Erwin by your side, though, you knew you wouldn’t have to be stuck with those ghosts for long. 

The weeks wore on and plans to take back Wall Maria took shape, though your mind was far more occupied with the hardness that had settled deep within Erwin in the months since you’d begun your attempts to bring humanity back from the brink. He didn’t look at you the same way he had back then—the light in his eyes had shifted in a way that felt so achingly intangible, so painfully unfixable. 

But as you laid there, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart, you made a soft promise to the heavens that had forsaken you that you would remain by his side to the bitter end, no matter what you had to sacrifice to be there. As you stared into the darkness you knew that you would someday breathe your last breath, but you’d be damned if it didn’t happen by Erwin’s side. You no longer cared if you would be old when it happened, or if you would leave a legacy behind, you only cared about holding his hand when the end came. Knowing that you had died for something greater than yourself, and you hadn’t died alone. 

It was enough. 

*

“You really want to be on the front lines?” 

Leaves crackled underfoot as you crept toward the wall’s edge, lantern held tight in your hand as you kept pace with the rest of your squad. 

“Of course I do,” You replied coolly, banishing the wisps of hesitation that crept into your mind. 

“This is no time for self-sacrifice, (Name),” Erwin reminded you, his tone full of the ice a commander instead of the usual warmth of a lover. 

You looked up at him with fire in your eyes, fingers tightening around your lamp. “It’s for the good of humanity, _Commander_.” 

In a fraction of a second Erwin had dismounted his horse, cadets gathering to watch him reprimand you so publicly. “Your death alone will not change humanity for the better, even if you do so in the fight against the titans. You’re far more useful alive, (Name). You should know as much by now.” 

You could hear the shocked mumblings of other cadets as you resumed your pace, but it was all a dull murmur compared to the thoughts that dominated your head. Erwin had never been particularly sentimental, especially not in battle, but this was the closest he’d ever come to telling you that he needed you to stay alive— _that he couldn’t live life without you_. 

To them what he’d said had been callous and harsh, but to you it was a declaration of devotion delivered in the only way he knew how. Halfway between an order and a secret, shared just before the sun began to rise, when the cover of darkness still had time to swallow up his words. 

You carried on into the dawn, scaling the wall to keep watch with Erwin atop it while the rest of the Scouts began their missions within and outside the thick borders you now found yourself sitting on. You stared up at Erwin, the great commander of the Scouts, face awash in the blue dawn, watching over those under his lead as their chosen protector. 

He’d told you once, as you sat in the windowsill and watched the streets while he made dinner, that he’d never expected his life would be a long one. He’d always dreamed of it, of finding the world that lay beyond the walls, but from the moment he’d become the leader of the Scouts he knew that he would be forced to live every moment as if it was his last. 

When you’d asked him if he enjoyed the moments he spent with you, worried that his answer would be a vague one that would keep you awake at night, he crossed your home in two strides and pulled you to him, kissing you so long and hard you were breathless. He’d given you an easy smile and told you that those were the moments he loved the most, the ones that had given him hope and a reason to try for a longer life. 

“Thank you,” You said, turning your gaze to the abandoned city below. 

“For what?” Erwin sat beside you, shoulders relaxing when you rested your head against them. 

“What you said back there. You know, even though it scared all the new cadets half to death.” 

Erwin softly chuckled. “I meant every word, my love.” 

You smiled at him softly, slipping your hand into his as you watched the Scouts’ valiant fight against their greatest traitors. You didn’t often trouble yourself with thoughts of the lost, but as you watched them search for where Reiner was hiding you began to wonder if the men you were fighting had ever felt love for another being. 

Not love in the way that reduced you to ash, burning through your defenses like wildfire, but love that lifted you up into the light of dawn with hands that cared for you as none ever had before. Men didn’t become monsters in name by the forms they took, they became monsters because they had no love to speak of, and no life to care about. 

You always liked to regard yourself as the type who was human through and through, but seeing monstrous creatures that truly were capable of love matched against ones that weren’t cemented it in your mind. And here, waiting for your moment to descend into a battle that would surely cost you your life, you found a sense of peace washing over you. Not because you were particularly accepting of the death you would suffer at the hands of the most cruel titan you’d ever encountered, but because you knew you would keep your promise and do so at Erwin’s side. 

As you flew through the ruins of Shiganshina to join Levi’s squad on the other side of the wall, you steadied your nerves and prepared your final words, no matter when they would come. When your boots hit the ground on the other side you knew something as final as your last breath of words was something that couldn’t be so meticulous—they would come as they may when the moment arose. 

“What the hell was that?” You called, words dying in your throat as you watched boulders spray blood through ruined tracks of earth. 

You took a step back in horror, watching as the Beast Titan crushed and flung another round of rocks at your comrades, wiping them out in a few cruel blows. The air was thick with sprays of blood, crimson clouds settling above the carnage in a dense fog. 

For so long you’d thought you were immune to the tearful reactions of new recruits, heart hardened by years of war, but seeing so many Scouts dead in a matter of seconds...you couldn’t hold back the tears that streaked down your cheeks as you found Erwin’s body and pressed yourself into it. You tried desperately to choke back the sobs and steel your nerves, but every time you closed your eyes all you could see was the broken, bleeding bodies of people who were little more than children lying dead in front of you. 

“My love,” Erwin started, his hand tightening around the fabric of your uniform, “we have to continue. For them.” 

You nodded into him, taking a deep breath as you wiped away your tears and tried to clear your mind. You listened as he and Levi formulated a plan, quickly volunteering to join the fight to avenge your fallen comrades. You would be on the front lines, the first wave of Scouts, much to Erwin’s dismay. 

You knew you couldn't change the hand that fate had dealt you, nor could you change the determined look that settled in Erwin's eyes as he spoke what you knew would be his final words to the Scouts around you. When you looked in his eyes, in that hazy blue of dawn, you saw the clear blue of the rumored oceans, the sky reflected in their pools. You saw what you yearned for most, all the lost time you'd never see, the life you'd yet to lead with the man you loved. You saw the nights of soft surrender, the days spent by his side, every hour of training, of battle, of aftermath, and as you heard him speak of the glory of his soldiers you knew you'd die as you lived. 

By his side.

You rode into battle, firing your gun to the sky as the Beast Titan prepared another round of blows. Your heart pounded in your ears with a determined, fearful pace, your eyes frantically searching the sky for any sign of the boulders. You had been instructed to return if you were able to survive, but as you made your way back to Erwin you felt the horrible rip of a boulder crashing through your body. 

You let out a mangled cry as your body crashed to the ground, arm and abdomen sending pools of blood from your body. You could hear voices, screams, but your dying mind couldn’t place them. Your eyes searched for survivors, though they only caught sight of a hazy form riding toward you, dismounting before the horse had even stopped to rush to your side. 

“Erwin?” You asked, your voice a blood-soaked rasp. 

“Oh, my love..” You had never heard his voice so soft and mournful, not in any time you could remember now. “Come here.” 

He carefully pulled your body to him, doing the best first aid he could to be able to carry you back to the rest of the Scouts. You could feel yourself fading in and out of consciousness, your eyes always remaining on his as he delivered you to your final resting place. When he laid you down in the cool grass you could hear his breathing hitch, his hand holding tight to yours as the blood once again began to flow from your body. 

“Erwin I...” you coughed, choking on the blood that fell from your lips, “don’t leave me here...” 

“I never could, my love.” Erwin pressed a kiss into your forehead, brushing sweat-soaked hair from your brow to see your face as it was when you uttered your last goodbye. 

“See the...the world for me, okay? Promise.” 

Erwin nodded and squeezed your hand. “I promise. Someday I hope to tell you all about it, but for now you need to rest.” 

You softly smiled. “Okay...” 

He held you close, his hand never leaving yours, and let his voice carry you into the afterlife. “I’m so proud of you, (Name). All you’ve done, your strength. I’ll miss waking up alongside you every morning, seeing the light shine in your eyes. I hope to see it again someday. To see _you_ again someday.” 

With the last of your strength you smiled at Erwin, your voice barely a whisper when you spoke. “I’ll see you soon, Erwin. I love you.” 

“I love you too, (Name). Always.” 


End file.
